February 1, 2007

Dear Cleo,

My name is Sprinter. I am writing on behalf of Pretties. He is too distraught to write since our ploy to ship dumb dog #1 to Abudabi was foiled.

We were pushing the box across the living room towards the front door when suddenly one of the humans arrived home earlier than expected. They discovered the dumb dog in the box and released him. They blamed the attempt on the teenage human boy, which was a slight "win" in our favor after all. He's shoved us off the table one too many times. We giggled under the table while witnessing his scolding by the older humans. Hysterical really.

Though we didn't get to send dumb dog #1 to Abudabi, we did receive the Chicken Costume in the mail that Pretties purchased on Ebay. We left it on the sofa and destroyed the packaging. When the humans saw it, they assumed it was a gift from Grandma and dressed dumb dog #2 immediately. We nearly had an accident on the carpet from laughing so hard. Pretties had to keep running to the cat box. It lifted his spirits for sure that night, but now he is back to being miserable about the foiled package delivery and is plotting yet again.

You'll enjoy the photo. Be sure to share it.
Sincerely,
Sprinter McSprinterson and Pretties

January 24, 2007

Dear Cleo,

Please forgive the rushed manner and spelling errors - I have to make this letter brief, as the post man is due to arrive any moment and as you can see in the photo - we managed to get the dog boxed and ready to ship to Abudabi! Normally an elaborate plan to entertain us would have been imployed, but today we decided a simple toss of a ball into the box would do and POOF! One dumb dog - first class.

We'll write of our success tomorrow. Right now Sprinter has a stamp stuck in his fur - I bid you adeiu.

Yours Truly,

Pretties & Sprinter

January 17, 2007

Dear Cleo,

I received your last letter and was thrilled to hear about how you nearly had the dog sent to the pound. The photo of the chewed shoe was stunning. And you say they kicked the dog out for the night over it? Hysterical! You did a fabulous job making it look like the dumb dog did it. I nearly coughed up a hairball laughing. I've enclosed a photo of one of my best shoe stages. I worked for hours that night getting the teeth marks to match those of the canine. I learned it watching C.S.I. (Cats Scientific Investigations)

Last night I sat on my humans chest as she slept, just staring at her in silence. The power I felt just knowing I could swat her in the face was exhilarating. "Pretties, Here Pretties". The sound of it makes me cringe. I stared at her face and resisted the urge to attack her eyelids - her REM movement was hypnotic - and for a moment I almost thought a bug could be hiding under her eyelids. Usually I stay there, motionless until she wakes and jumps at the sight of me so close to her face. I enjoy seeing that moment of fear in her eyes before it registers that I am merely her "Pretties." However, last night, just before I attacked her eyeballs, the male human must have been aware of my intent and released some sort of toxic tear gas that nearly killed me. I gasped for air and ran out of the room just in time. He pretended to be unaware of his defense attack and rolled over. I pretended to be afraid as I retreated to the den.

I must end this letter for now. I will write again with some new plans of attack on the dogs; dumb and dumber. I look forward to your next letter.

Yours Truly,
Pretties

January 10, 2007

Dear Cleo.

Thank you for agreeing to switch our form of correspondence to traditional mail vs. email. As I said in our last conversation - the humans here ignore most of their mail unless the envelopes are pink, so this is a much better way to keep our secret from being discovered.

The last time we were chatting online the man of the house came barging in and I had to roll over the keyboard and purr like an imbecile! The damned video of me playing with the "mouse" has been circulating on YouTube and I am mortified, but alas, the price I must pay for our mission. At least I didn't pretend to sing or play the piano like some of our other brave soldiers have had to do. Still, the humiliation was hard to endure. Almost as terrible as being named "Pretties" when clearly I am a rustic and manly man of a cat. Would you name a great lion of the jungle "pretties"?!? I think not! They relish in calling me that. Relish I say.

I know you said you'd hide any evidence in the pan cupboard where your humans never look, but I think it would be best to destruct the letters and leave them near the stupid sleeping dog. Be sure to add some muddy paw prints or carefully shred them then coat the pieces with the dogs saliva. We can't go overboard with our vengeance on the dogs just yet, but do take pleasure in shredding one of the female human's favorite shoes and placing that in the dog's bed as well. Don't feel guilty my love, you deserve some small amount of justice after that last incident when the dog devoured your Tender Vittles when thee humans weren't watching and you, beautiful you, had to go to bed hungry. And let's not forget the time he lost your mittens and you had no pie.

Eventually, they will pay for their atrocities and they will bow to us as they should. For now I must bid you adeiu and try to make progress on removing this insidious hairball.

Truly Yours,
Pretties

Finding "The Cat Letters"

It was actually not very surprising to find the letters. I'd suspected they existed for quite some time. I'd never seen a letter, but I had seen traces of letter writing on several occasions. A pencil out of place on the desk - when I'd sworn I put it back in the cup before. A pen behind the sofa. An empty envelope behind the cat box. I even found a piece of paper with a paw print on it, but surmized it to be like the rest as simply nothing. When you live in a house with several cats and dogs, chaos will ensue and disarray is quite common. Toilet paper shredded; mail chewed; strange unidentifiable objects regurgitated and left with a bow. Pet owners come to expect these things. I'd even dismissed the subtle glares from the cat that sometimes made me feel uneasy. He couldn't possibly hate me, after all, he looked adorable in that pumpkin outfit last Halloween. But there, in the pan cupboard, were the letters. Letters from a cat named "Pretties" written to my cat Cleo. All of them neatly folded and placed in their original envelopes and tied together with yarn. Next to them; several maps and blueprints, a bag of catnip and a set of tools. Obviously hidden in the pan cupboard because they knew that would be the last place I'd look for anything.

Now that their plans are foiled, it's safe to share these letters with you. My hope in releasing these letters is so other cat owners can be aware. Knowledge is power. Don't make the mistakes my sister Jaimie and I did with our cats and assuming they're all just fluffy sweet foot warmers. The next time you THINK your cat is plotting - trust me - he is.